They were the first band I got obsessed with. But I never got to see them - I couldn't drive, and no one would drive me. It's kind of sad to think about what could have been. But I never thought I'd get a second chance - I never thought I would go through that stage all over again with someone else. I thought I grew out of it. It's kind of nice, though. But as I remember now, I don't think I could ever articulate why I liked the Goo Goo Dolls so much. I think it was mostly in my head. I mean I liked the music, but I had no idea what it was about, and I had to make things up about what I wanted it to mean. And now that I look back on it, it seems like such a shallow obsession. Makes sense - I was 15 years old. I hardly even remember it.

It's something that I can't quite explain.
- (Have you ever tried to write a poem, and only existing lyrics come out?)
I'm so in love with you.
- (That happens when I really like a song.)
You never take that away.
- (I don't really know the next part.)
And if I said it a hundred times before
- (?)
Expect a thousand more
- calling you
You never take that away.
- (Blue October)
Expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around.
Askin if you love me.
I love the way you make it sound.
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile?

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping are you dreaming
If you're dreaming are you dreaming of me
I can't believe
You actually picked me

Okay, back to posting articles and stories that I wrote in college. Don't be disillusioned by that last story - the rest of them are really short. But you might notice I have a tendency toward the second person.
____________________________________

The Songs Long Ago

Once upon a time, there was a realm of musical people. One of them was you. You, just like everyone else in that realm, had a sphere of music emanating from you: your own song, which played constantly in your head, and outside of your head, too, and changed slightly from time to time according to your mood and state of mind. You never got tired of it; it embodied everything you loved, even though it was always just a few simple notes.

Every time you encountered another person, you heard their song and your own at the same time. Since everyone’s songs had the same timing, they often harmonized well with each other. Sometimes you found people whose songs harmonized nearly perfectly with yours.

If a really big group of people got together, you would hear a sound that wasn’t a song exactly, but an array of simultaneous tones.

Then you thought, “If only we didn’t have pre-established music, we could try and create our own.” So you went to the magical music well, and you wished that people could have the freedom to create their own music. Your wish was granted.

All the music in the people’s heads stopped. The world was quiet. You had a blank slate. You tried to make your own music. You learned how to sing and play instruments, and you created the best music you could. Everyone did. But you realized that no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t write or play or sing anything that was as good as the music that was in your head before. You missed it, and you wanted it back. You went back to the magical music well, and you wished for your music back. “You’ll get it back eventually,” said the well. You were satisfied, so you went back to your music studio, and kept creating music. Thus lived the world, and they forgot.

Well, I actually decided that I'm getting something that I didn't put on the poll: Don't You Fake It by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I got really excited about that band suddenly and I think I made a good decision, although it hasn't been finalized yet. I don't know what it is - you must think I'm crazy! Ha ha, well, if I haven't given you reason to believe it already, but when I was driving home tonight, I was really excited, but I forgot what I was excited about. Then I remembered, it was because I was going to buy that album, and I can't wait to go to the store this afternoon! I can't believe I almost didn't put it on the list! I'm so excited I can't go to sleep. Well, maybe it's all the cake I ate at the birthday party.

Well, hi, again. I have a gift card and I'm trying to figure out which music I want. I think I can buy approximately 3 albums, and I've narrowed it down to these 11. I don't know why I'm having you vote. I don't think it will influence my decision. But I'm just curious to see the results. Okay, have at it.


Poll #1153962 Which Albums Should I Buy?
Open to: All, results viewable to: All

Which albums should I buy? Vote for as many as you want.

Ever since I decided to buy some new music, my musical priorities got all out of whack and I have to re-evaluate the bands that I thought I liked but I haven't really heard much so it's hard to tell. Jimmy Eat World and the Red Jumpuit Apparatus have some really great radio singles - perhaps the best I've ever heard. But their other album music isn't really up to my taste. Same with Relient K. Now I'm re-considering people like Matt Nathanson, Joshua Radin, and Landon Pigg, who I didn't really think very much of until recently. And I don't know how I feel about Dashboard Confessional anymore. I was really excited about them for like a day, but I bought one of their albums and I'm not so excited about them anymore. I never put this much thought into buying music before, but I did most of my previous purchasing before I discovered YouTube.

I was talking to some people today, and I realized that music has reached its full potential in my eyes, but no other media has. Books, comics, poetry, movies - these could all improve somehow. This is only my own perspective, and I'm sure others disagree. What I mean is, with all of these kinds of literature, I can think of ways that they could be done that I would like, and I haven't ever encountered anything like that. I can think of ways books could be written that would make me enjoy them more. I can think of poems that I write that I like much more than anything I've read. But I can't think of any way that the music I love the most could be any better than it is.

And it occurred to me: maybe that's why I can't, and don't think I'll ever be able to, write music. It doesn't have to do with the fact that I've never studied an instrument or learned to write in musical notation. Because I've never learned anything about movie production, and I've still gotten urges to create movies.

The thing for me is that in order to want to be creative in a certain field, I have to see a lack of something in the existing media. For instance, I read the "funny" greeting cards at the store, and they say things like, "I don't think you're a good mom - I think you're a GREAT mom!" or something - that was the kind of thing that popped into my head at the moment. And I said to myself "That's not funny. I could come up with better cards than this." And then I went home, and six weeks later I designed some cards.

Well, I have high standards for the media. I'm easily bored. I'll often watch half of a movie and then walk out. So I can usually think of ways that I would like things better, and that makes me creative in a lot of fields. I like to write poetry, comics, short stories, pictures... but I think if I tried to write music, I would always think that it wasn't good enough, because there would always be something I liked better that I didn't write. But I wouldn't change that, because music is such an important part of my life, and if I discovered I could write it the way I liked it, then the magic would be gone from it.

Wow. Ever since I upgraded my account I've been so obsessed with posting pictures that I haven't acually "written" an entire entry without some sort of visual illustration. Well, let's see if I can go this entire post without posting any drawings. It's gonna be hard.

So, what have I been up to? For all of you who read my jounrnal to keep track of my life instead of talking to me. Good method, by the way, especially when I'm in my hermit stage of my life, and not really wanting to talk to people. "It's not you, it's me," I should tell them.

But I still love music, is one thing. Especially - there are a few songs that I've come to love recently, and I've come to realize something: I'm not really a heavy-metal hard-rock kind of person, but sometimes those kinds of bands - the ones that usually play hard music - make softer, more melodic music, and that is some of the best music there is. So there are a bunch of bands I think of as mediocre, but they all have this one song that I absolutely love. For example, I love Stone Sour's "Through Glass" but their other music is too hard. Right now I'm in love with the popular "Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. (not an apt example. Most of their stuff is pretty good.) I also came across "On My Own" by the Used. And wow. I mean most bands that usually make these kinds of songs don't make songs this good. What's the deal?

I was looking for something - at first I thought there might be a facebook application, but I couldn't find one - that would connect people based on what music they liked. Hey, I guess the problem with that is that everyone's profile on facebook can only be accessed within a network, and music is part of that. Anyway, if I was on some networking website, and I had a list of bands that I liked, I want something to generate a bunch of other people who like most of the same bands as I do. It's not that complicated. It's like a dating-matching thing with only one dimension. Does anyone know of a website that does that? Does MySpace do that?

In popular music: Why is it that very often when there is a female voice, it's usually just a person, but when there's a male voice, it's a band? I realize this isn't always true, but it seems like it works out like that most of the time.

One of my favorite songs. This is the melancholy death of one of my Pandora stations - this is the last song on the station, and after this, I'm moving the song and killing the station. It's such a profound song for its death. But from now on everything will be purer and more beautiful. I love Pandora because of that. Everything can become more and more perfect, and still grow in its variety.

Amazing how I find things to fill empty spaces in me so quickly. I've been looking for things that are fulfilling, and I really like music a lot. Like I wrote in my private post, I like Dashboard Confessional more every time I think about it.

I really like this song: Vindicated

For instance. Chris, the lead singer and writer and pretty much the whole deal, is very charismatic end energetic when performing, which is one of the things that snagged me about this band. That's one of the things that I like in a band, and now I know, since I've been to concerts, what is so amazing about being at a musical performance, and what makes it good. (at least for me)

"You see I never thought enough of myself
To realize
That losing me could mean something
Like the tears in your eyes."

-Eels (I'm Gonna Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart)


"I know that you are watching me somewhere
Over the moon
Shouting down that you love me
Wondering why I can't hear you."

-Lifehouse (Midnight In Philadelphia)


"Bird came to my window and said, 'What?
You let me in here once, now what the hell?
What I wouldn't give for arms to hold you.
We are creatures of such like desire.'
I said 'Sorry, but I didn't mean it then.
Now I know that I am sorrier than I have ever been.'"

-Christine Fellows (Bird As Prophet)


"I don't want you to know where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been."

-Relient K (Who I Am Hates Who I've Been)


"I am reaching for you but my arms aren't long enough.
I am running to you, if I could go a little faster.
I am crying to you but I can't hear my own voice.
I am waiting for you
And trying not to fall asleep now."

-Lifehouse (Fool)


"I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life."

-The Fray (How to Save a Life)


"Take my security from me
And maybe finally
I won't have to know everthing."

-Lifehouse (Unknown)

I was wondering about music. How is it that certain sounds can express exact emotions better that I could ever describe them in words? Sometimes I can even identify an exact affection that's linked to a piece of music - an experience or charictaristic that I enjoy or lack in myself. What are the correspondences of sound that makes affections come through music so readily? It's almost like a universal language - like there are certain chord changes that express loneliness, others that express joy... Maybe people hear it different ways, though. Like a song to one person could mean nostalgia, and to another could mean loneliness. Like does everyone see green as the same color, and if not, how would you describe the difference? You can't really explain it any other way, likewise with the affections in music.

I guess everyone gets different things out of music, but I think that if you like the same music as someone else, it means something about the compatibility of your affections. I mean, if you are affected by music as much as I am. It means a lot to me.

You don't know someone until you've walked a mile with their ipod.

Some people say that songs are poetry with music. Well, I don't know whether some people say that, but I'm sure that someone somewhere in the world says that. I try to think of poetry and lyrics as different things. Some lyrics start out as poetry, and are put to song. Okay, I said to those lyrics--you can be poetry. But when lyrics are written simultaneously with music or for the music, after the music has been written, then I don't think it's poetry. Because then the lyrics don't have to hold their own rhythm. They have the music to hold them in place, and when you take away the music, the rhythm probably no longer exists, unless it's obvious.

I like music better than poetry in general, but I can't write music. Theoretically I might be able to figure out how, but the inspiration would come faster than I could put down the notes. And I don't know how to create harmony by myself, because I don't know any instruments.

So I was realizing the other day, I think the poetry I write is envious of music. Although I am unable to find much poetry which can compare to my own (in my own conceited mind), I can find much music which is much better than any poetry I could ever write. Maybe I'm just saying this now because I'm in a phase of musical obsession.

Music is so much more distinct and emotional than poetry. My poetry tries to be distinct in its rhythmic qualities, and I often wish I could give it more freedom to have unpredictable distinct rhythm, but that can't be easily marked down or picked up by the reader, and is likely to turn into a garbled mess of rhythmic confusion, just like lyrics without their musical structure.